May the bridges I burn light the way
You know that feeling when you’re just waiting, waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let out everything that you have kept in all day? Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, and you’re tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay, but no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won’t be, but you’re still hoping and you’re still wishing and you’re still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.
97.

You would think after ten years with about 7 (is it up to 7 now?!) deaths of my close friends and that of my grandfather, that things would get a little easier over time. I mean you realize over time what happens, and yes, it is still a shock to the system, but at some point after the first few I thought I would just become more or less numb over it. Be prepared, be able to deal with it better. But every god damn time, that I walk up to that casket, it is like any other memory or strength I built up is gone. Period. You look at them laying there, talk to them, pray to them, touch them, give them one final kiss goodbye. But it NEVER gets easier. It never gets a little better. I could of said goodbye a thousand times and it still wouldn’t of been enough. It sure didn’t FEEL enough as I got up and walked away.

Maybe one entry I will get into the back story behind this, show some papers that I  had written in college about the tragedy that happened 10 years ago. Damn, I feel like it was just yesterday that I got that phone call…

I just don’t know anymore. Don’t know what to think, say or feel. Sometimes I get so numb I have no emotion at all. Like I all just this body walking around with no soul, heart or mind. Just wandering. In limbo almost. Or as a zombie. Blank. & other times I am the biggest wreck where nothing will calm me down. I feel maybe if he had taken 10 years ago negatively, was bitter, complained, and didn’t live how beautifully that he did, wanted to give up…I would have some peace knowing he got what he wanted. But he didn’t. He had the strong will to live and appreciated every moment when I am sure I never could of.He traded in the shittiest hand of cards that could of been dealt and turned them into something wonderful. He wanted to live, and more than ever, wanted everyone around him to do so as well.

I don’t know when I will heal from this. There is no expected timeline I suppose. At times like this I wish I was religious so I could truly believe he is in a better place….no pain, suffering, walking again…it would provide a lot more comfort. I wish I had that faith sometimes, just to give me something to believe in. That this isn’t the end. But just a better beginning. I guess one day I will find out, and if it is true, there are so many people on the other side I can’t wait to see again.

I’m just tired if losing everyone close to me. Over and over. I’m at the breaking point where if you lay a finger on me, I shatter down to glass on the ground. My memorial wall of my friends that have passed over the past few years just keeps growing and growing. It needs to stop. Only the good die young, and I have all the proof right here that I need about it. I think that is the one thing left in me that I can actually know for sure and believe in.

Rest easy my love. Forever in my heart, soul and mind.

Rest easy Brandon. The world has truly lost one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. An inspiration to anyone who was ever lucky enough to have met you. In your situation, I don’t think I would of ever been able to have the strength that you did. And always with a smile on your face, never complaining. I am so blessed to have met you. Who would of known any of this would of happened when we were just 14 and 15, all becoming great friends so fast. Skipping classes just to play video games in my room and taking many “special” walks in the woods :) After the accident, it changed everyone’s life and perspective of living. In a situation where you could of dealt with the tragedy like so many bitter people would, you showed the worth, strength and courage of a grown man, who was just a 16 year old kid. You turned the most negative situation into a positive light, and it shined through you onto everyone. Always caring about everyone before yourself and never giving up. Words can not say how much of an impact you have made on your friends and families lives. You are in a better place now, even though you have physically left us all, you will forever be in our hearts and minds. Love you.

March 20th 1985 - June 15th 2011